As we begin Step 5, We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs, I find myself reflecting on the sins—and the guilt and shame—that I carried around when I was actively drinking. I am a sinner, as are we all. But as my drinking career got underway, not only did my drinking become progressively worse, but my other immoral and destructive behaviors got worse as well. Eventually, it was fair to say that I had no moral framework whatsoever. Not only was the next drink ahead of everything else, I also had an “anything goes” attitude toward most aspects of my life.
Eventually, the pursuit of the next drink poisoned every part of my life: my marriage lay in ruins; I was missing in action from my friendships and family relationships; my finances were destroyed; my job was in jeopardy; I blamed, avoided, and isolated. I later came to call alcohol the “great corruptor.” When I was drinking, my impulses were amplified, while my inhibitions were diminished. I ignored any pang of conscience and endlessly rationalized. I was a mess.
There were three main hallmarks of that time: One, I kept many, many secrets, and was a habitual liar. I was once called a sociopath because of my tendency to lie and generally hide the life I was living. Because of these secrets and because of pervasive sin, I was apart from both other people and from God; indeed, I was alone and desolate in my sin. Finally, I carried tremendous shame and guilt because of all I had done. This wasn’t misplaced guilt; I had really done a lot to be ashamed of.
For a long time, I drank over the guilt and shame I felt.
I didn’t want to face other people, and even hated the rising of the sun each day. The phrase that I heard in a meeting “pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization” seemed to apply perfectly to me. Eventually, I cried out to God for help, and he answered that prayer. I was broken and was given the gift of recovery through the 12 Steps of CR and AA. However, even as I got sober and began to recover, even though I felt hope that my life could get better, I still felt a tremendous weight of guilt and shame. I sensed that my sobriety would be in jeopardy if that guilt and shame weren’t dealt with.
In those early days, my Sponsor showed me that my first job was to get physically sober (which for me meant going to rehab) and to get honest (aka, stop keeping secrets and get real). Then, he introduced me to the 12 Steps, which I came to learn was a gateway to a better life. Next, as a part of working the Steps, he shared with me the miracle that I could be forgiven, and no matter how far down I had fallen that one day something good could come of those experiences. Today, it seems so obvious; I am so blessed in the life I live; I have hope, faith, and joy. But back then, I really didn’t believe I could be forgiven or that things could somehow be made right. I felt like a loser, a liar, a screw-up, a failure, a cheat.
How could I be forgiven, to be released from the bondage of sin and shame? It began with the confession that is core to Step 5, We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. My Sponsor introduced me to a concept embodied in this verse from Proverbs (28:13), “He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.” At that time, it seemed so hard to shed light on all I had done, to “’fess up”, to “come clean.” But I also knew how malignant all the secrets had been, and that continuing to keep secrets would either prolong the pain or derail me completely, possibly leading me to a relapse. I decided to do it for real, and first to make a searching and fearless moral inventory, best I could, and then admit it to God, to myself and to another human being, in my case, my Sponsor, the exact nature of my wrongs.
Taking this Step was a revelation and it resulted in a revolution. What was so profound to me was that this Step transformed an intellectual understanding of a Christian concept—everyone sins and can be washed clean with Christ’s blood—to a spiritual and emotional reality. It was revealed to me emotionally that I wasn’t really all that special; I had committed no new sins. I was also released from the bondage of shame and guilt; I truly felt a freedom I had never known. Through this act of confession, of coming clean and getting real, I also could see things from a better basis of reality. I was more prone to see my own part and my character defects for what they were, and was better able to take responsibility and stop blaming. The work was not done, but this Step was one of the most powerful landmarks in my striving toward a better life.
There’s an important insight about this Step that I can add after a few years of sobriety that I couldn’t have understood at the time. It turns out that there is a simple but undeniable relationship between how completely I confess my sins and how much healing can occur. Only coming clean about a few things doesn’t get the job done. Instead, it undermines our ability to recover and frequently only prolongs the pain. If we have the honesty and courage to confess all the things we need to, we can fully receive the blessings: “if we confess our sins, he will forgive our sins, because we can trust God to do what is right. He will cleanse us from all the wrongs we have done.” (1 John 1:9) As we celebrate Christmas, I thank God for the birth of Christ and the Good News that we can be redeemed!
– Jason M.
